The older I get the less I know for certain

The older I become. I am almost 30. I feel like I am less and less certain of lots of things. I have always felt fairly secure in social situations as a college student and into early adult hood. High school I was a wreck of insecurities but usually could fake it and just was mortified in the few situations where faking it didn't work. Now as a mom and a wife, I have spent some time in counseling figuring out more of myself. You would think I would have it a little more figured out. I don't.

Parenting is another one of those things. I feel like I was so sure of how I would raise my kids. My husband and I had so many conversations in restaurants, observing other people's children, about how we were or weren't going to parent in situations. We would talk about how our kids would fit into our  "lives" not our lives revolve around theirs. Ha! We would say things like "we would never let our kids do that" or "that would never be acceptable in our family".

I was humbly put in my place as far as parenting goes when our daughter, son, and I made a lunch visit to Chick-fil-a. A regular occurance in my house. We got our food and I set out everything on the table. You know, put the little plastic place mats down, set out nuggets and ketchup, divyed out the fruit and fries and sat down. My daugther has a monkey she has named  "ahh ahh" like ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh. Anyways "ahh ahh" goes everywhere with us. He is a little brown monkey that wears a pink shirt. He was mine as a child and now he is hers! She wanted  her monkey to have a high chair to eat in. Since her brother was in the high chair and I didn't want to tie up another one is the restaurant for a stuffed animal, I simply told her "no". She started to get upset and I warned her if she cried and got upset when I told her "no", she would get a spanking.

She persisted so I picked her up and headed to the bathroom for a little talking to and a spanking. She was compliant in the bathroom. She said she understood and apologized. So we went back to our table. As we went to sit down she snapped and took "ahh ahh" by the arm and swung him across the table clearing everything placed so neatly and orderly into a heaping mess on the floor. We all froze. By all I mean the whole freaking retaurant, her, and I.

 I  had no clue how to proceed from here. So I quickly sat her in the booth and began picking up everything and throwing it in the trash. It was so quiet in the restaurant that is usually filled with with noisy kids. Everyone just stared. But no one would make eye contact with me. Meanwhile, she is thrashing in the booth continuing to throw a fit.

I excorted her out of the restaurant kicking and screaming the whole way. I was mad and she was in big trouble. I yelled at her when we got to the car. Loud. I was angry and I yelled so loud. She even told my mom on me, her Nana, how loud I was later. Not my finest moment as a parent. Not by a long shot. I cried to my husband on the way home over the phone. He kept assuring me it couldnt have been that bad. I wasn't the worst mother in the world and that she would recover. In that moment is was THAT  bad. I was the worst mother ever and we better transfer her college fund to a counseling fund.

Reflecting back, I know I yelled like I did at her not only because she threw a temper tantrum but because I felt embarrassed. I felt judged by other parents. I was judged by other parents. I had at one time been that judgey parent. I know. I cringe at myself now. So confident in parenting until you are thrown into the lions den.

I feel I am a pretty on top of it mom in most cases. My husband and I discipline our kids. We talk regularly with them about wrong and right. Somedays I feel mostly like a referee, not what I thought life as a mom would be. But nothing could prepare me for that except walking through it, horribly screwing it up, and vowing to do better next time to myself, my sweet girl, and God.

Let's just say when I see a mom or dad for that matter struggling now, I do my best to not judge. I make eye contact and help pick up all the trash strewn across the floor because I have so been there. It sucks. I am sorry I judged you before I had kids. You are doing a good job being attentive and following through. Kids are not robots that can be controlled and no matter how much right or wrong we do as parents they are going to throw temper tantrums, or bite, or whatever.  How we as parents handle it now will determine our relationship with them when they are older and the consequences are much greater.

I thought I knew something and I knew nothing. The older I get the less I know for certain.