Sit

So Jon's oldest brother recently posted on facebook that he walked into a Chinese restaurant and asked a Chinese lady to be seated only to find out she didn't work there. Whoops! A couple years before that my sister- in-law put her hand on a woman's stomach and asked her when she was due only to find out she wasn't pregnant. Yeah, big whoops! The crazy part is the woman stood about 15 feet from her for the next 15 minutes and scouled at her. Yikes! How many times have we all done this. For me too many to count.
These are perfect strangers but how many times have we inserted our foot in our mouth with our dearest friends or family when it really matters.

I love facebook because my news feed is constantly going on about all the really amazing, life changing, inspiring things my friends are doing. Sometimes you feel like "Ok, what am I doing that is significant?!?" Mostly I just feel grateful to know so many really motivated people. But, I have too many friends, close friends, who are going through really really hard things. Life can be so challenging and overwhelming. Divorce, infertility, burying loved ones, miscarriages, adoption (amazing, but the process is brutal), losing jobs, this list could go on. In those moments that I am able to connect with these people are the moments where I don't just want to say the RIGHT thing. I want to say what my heart actually reflects but sometimes it doesn't come out right.

Recently, I was talking to a friend who is going through a divorce. I didn't know all the gory details but I know she has fought hard and tried to make her marriage work and it just isn't for so many reasons most which she cannot control. So she was telling me about renting a new place for just her and her boys and doing life a whole new way from what she is used too. My response " it is what it is" I know, super insensitive. I walked away going, really Lauren, THAT is what you came up with. What I meant and really wanted to convey was I know you have worked so hard to make it work, so many circumstances are out of your control, I don't think you gave up, I don't judge you in any way, you are doing what is so hard but necessary, I am so sorry you are hurting. You have done what you can. You are doing what you have too.

I didn't say all of that or any of that. I wish I did.

My brother's fiancé recently had the 3rd anniversary of her brother's sudden death. I know that day is hard for her every year. But, honestly so is everyday in between. She is learning to do life without him on this earth. I know that hurts really bad,  it just plain sucks actually.

When it happened my brother called us late one night telling us he had passed at the age of twenty five and we were just devastated for my brother's fiancé and her family. I kept picturing if I was in those shoes, what would I want people to say or do??? I didn't really know. I didn't want to screw it up because I feel like people can say really dumb things when people pass away. I have. I get it, you don't know what to say, neither do I.  I didn't want to say or do nothing though. I feel like that is just as bad.

I read a book right after he passed that I was going to give to his mom called Lament for a Son. One of my sister-in-law's gave it to me. I decided to read it first to see if it would be helpful to her in anyway. I sobbed the whole way through. The author writes a lament, a love-song really for his son who died in a climbing accident. So many parts of the book were helpful in gaining perspective but one quote stuck with me.

"But please: Don't say it's not really so bad. Because it is. Death is awful, demonic. If you think your task as comforter is to tell me that really, all things considered, it's not so bad, you do not sit with me in my grief but place yourself off in the distance away from me. Over there, you are of no help. What I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me, you have to come close. Come sit beside me on my mourning bench."

It made me realize in all things not just the death of a son how pertinent this was. Death of marriage, death of career, just life's hardships in general.

 I don't want to come across as a distant uninterested observer because that is not what my heart feels. My heart is broken for you. So why do I fumble my words and come across as less than??

I remember my sister-in-law got news that my niece was having some health issues and she was scared. She didn't have answers and neither did  the doctors. I didn't have words. I just started crying with her and grabbed her. We were standing in the kitchen and we just hugged each other and cried. I felt in that moment, I responded exactly how my heart felt. I have no words of comfort for you and I will just be in this scary place with you. It felt real and honest and I wish I always responded with my heart.

"Your tears are salve on my wound, your silence is salt." Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son
                                                                               

The older I get the less I know for certain

The older I become. I am almost 30. I feel like I am less and less certain of lots of things. I have always felt fairly secure in social situations as a college student and into early adult hood. High school I was a wreck of insecurities but usually could fake it and just was mortified in the few situations where faking it didn't work. Now as a mom and a wife, I have spent some time in counseling figuring out more of myself. You would think I would have it a little more figured out. I don't.

Parenting is another one of those things. I feel like I was so sure of how I would raise my kids. My husband and I had so many conversations in restaurants, observing other people's children, about how we were or weren't going to parent in situations. We would talk about how our kids would fit into our  "lives" not our lives revolve around theirs. Ha! We would say things like "we would never let our kids do that" or "that would never be acceptable in our family".

I was humbly put in my place as far as parenting goes when our daughter, son, and I made a lunch visit to Chick-fil-a. A regular occurance in my house. We got our food and I set out everything on the table. You know, put the little plastic place mats down, set out nuggets and ketchup, divyed out the fruit and fries and sat down. My daugther has a monkey she has named  "ahh ahh" like ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh. Anyways "ahh ahh" goes everywhere with us. He is a little brown monkey that wears a pink shirt. He was mine as a child and now he is hers! She wanted  her monkey to have a high chair to eat in. Since her brother was in the high chair and I didn't want to tie up another one is the restaurant for a stuffed animal, I simply told her "no". She started to get upset and I warned her if she cried and got upset when I told her "no", she would get a spanking.

She persisted so I picked her up and headed to the bathroom for a little talking to and a spanking. She was compliant in the bathroom. She said she understood and apologized. So we went back to our table. As we went to sit down she snapped and took "ahh ahh" by the arm and swung him across the table clearing everything placed so neatly and orderly into a heaping mess on the floor. We all froze. By all I mean the whole freaking retaurant, her, and I.

 I  had no clue how to proceed from here. So I quickly sat her in the booth and began picking up everything and throwing it in the trash. It was so quiet in the restaurant that is usually filled with with noisy kids. Everyone just stared. But no one would make eye contact with me. Meanwhile, she is thrashing in the booth continuing to throw a fit.

I excorted her out of the restaurant kicking and screaming the whole way. I was mad and she was in big trouble. I yelled at her when we got to the car. Loud. I was angry and I yelled so loud. She even told my mom on me, her Nana, how loud I was later. Not my finest moment as a parent. Not by a long shot. I cried to my husband on the way home over the phone. He kept assuring me it couldnt have been that bad. I wasn't the worst mother in the world and that she would recover. In that moment is was THAT  bad. I was the worst mother ever and we better transfer her college fund to a counseling fund.

Reflecting back, I know I yelled like I did at her not only because she threw a temper tantrum but because I felt embarrassed. I felt judged by other parents. I was judged by other parents. I had at one time been that judgey parent. I know. I cringe at myself now. So confident in parenting until you are thrown into the lions den.

I feel I am a pretty on top of it mom in most cases. My husband and I discipline our kids. We talk regularly with them about wrong and right. Somedays I feel mostly like a referee, not what I thought life as a mom would be. But nothing could prepare me for that except walking through it, horribly screwing it up, and vowing to do better next time to myself, my sweet girl, and God.

Let's just say when I see a mom or dad for that matter struggling now, I do my best to not judge. I make eye contact and help pick up all the trash strewn across the floor because I have so been there. It sucks. I am sorry I judged you before I had kids. You are doing a good job being attentive and following through. Kids are not robots that can be controlled and no matter how much right or wrong we do as parents they are going to throw temper tantrums, or bite, or whatever.  How we as parents handle it now will determine our relationship with them when they are older and the consequences are much greater.

I thought I knew something and I knew nothing. The older I get the less I know for certain.

The Start of Something...

My name is Lauren Loveless and I am not an expert on anything or have a specific agenda in writing this blog. I am a stay at home mom who wants to document life's daily happenings for my family. Why Far from Loveless?? Loveless is my last name and I feel honored to carry it, however, My life is far from love-less. I am not claiming it is perfect, far from it, but in all the good, the bad, and the ugly it is full of a whole lotta love.
I am married to my husband of 7 years! Wow! That sounds like a long time. We have a very energetic two year old JD and a three year old girl, Taylor Jade. She is a typical older sister very helpful and very bossy!
I spent my first two years as a mom as a full time working mom running my own business. I  decided after writing a check to my sister in law, who at the time nannied for us, for 60 hours one week. This was not the life I intended. You would think with a growing business and a growing family I would be loving life. The truth is it all spun out of control and before I knew it, it was not working for us. I am not on either side of the working/ stay at home mom debate and I never tell people which way they should go. I have been on both sides and I chose what I did because it was best for my family at the time. I chose it because my business was all or nothing and the ALL was killing me.
My brother's fiancé was a dream Nanny/babysitter in every way. I used to tell my friends about the countless times I would come home to laundry done, floors vacuumed, not to mention my kids would run screaming with excitement every day when she arrived. I felt like I was missing too much. I felt crazy trying to balance it all and I felt like my husband and I were passing off kids and constantly saying goodbye.
So we made a hard decision. So hard for me. My business was part of my old identity. Something that was part of my life for so long and if I let go of my business it was the last tie that held me to a job, career, sport whatever you want to call it that people thought was cool, respected, and looked up to. I was terrified to not have that anymore. Plus, I knew I was really good at what I did. Of course I mean that in the most humble way. I will admit when I am not good at something but coaching was something I was good at and loved.  I knew people's eyes would glaze over when I told them and they would think of me differently. But when I said I was a professional Wakeboarder for 10 years, I now have my own Wakeboard school suddenly their interest would peak.
Being a stay at home mom felt less glamorous and believe me it is. But after almost two whole years since I closed my business I don't regret it at all! For countless reasons I will get into in more detail I'm sure in future blogs.
One thing that I love about being a stay at home mom is I feel like a jack of all trades, master of none. My days are honestly many times very much the mundane and the same. I mean how many times am I going to wipe down that dang kitchen table! Well, at least 5 x a day. Between 3 meals and 2 snacks and maybe more if play doh is played with or a craft done. By craft done, I do not mean I do them. Not my speciality. But my daughter loves her some "craps" as she calls them.
But, there are things I love like dressing people! Recently we did family photos for Christmas pictures. I got to "style" my own family. It was a blast!!
My daughter's outfit was fully thrifted, even the bow, bracelet, and tights! The tights were Circo (Target) brand still in the original packaging but bought them from a thrift store for $1. The total outfit costing $20 shoes and all. Which are leopard print with a bow, it's hard to see in pictures, that I paid $3.50 for. I know, right!!!
My son was a mix of Target and thrift. Shoes were Old Navy but ALL on sale.
Regardless it was fun! Something I never would have had time for before but found I have love for and get a kick out of.
Here are some of our pictures. Thanks Aren Bane for capturing these moments. I know it will be gone too fast.